LinkedIn is insane

Want to know what I did today? #dailyroutine

I start my morning exactly at sunrise. Why?

If its good enough for God, its good enough for me. Gazing upon the horizon on my three-storey-high balcony, I visualise my goals for the day.

I miss the train. But it doesn’t bother me. Why?

I now have time to meditate. I could have driven my Audi A7 in, but I like the experience of public transport. As most of my friends know, I’m a man of the people.

My phone vibrates, it’s LinkedIn. Seven people accepted my requests to connect. I can’t wait to see how we can collaborate on new projects and network.

I wonder what inspirational advice they’ll post on their profile. I love celebrating their wins. As they say, “If you are not Linkedin, you are LinkedOUT”.

I take my seat on the train. It’s a reserved priority seat, but I know my importance and value.

An elderly lady taps on my shoulder, but I can’t hear her, as I was deeply focused on checking up on my employees over the phone. One of my many connections recently posted that the wellbeing and happiness of your employees is your own wellbeing and happiness!

A woman asks me why I didn’t stand for the lady. She doesn’t seem to understand the importance of my staffs’ mental health like I do.

At 12:30, I dance my way into the office to the funny sounds of Gangnam Style playing from the speakers! It automatically plays whenever I enter the building. Why?

It boosts morale, my team laugh hysterically every time!

As Donna Hay once said, “life is like a box of assorted liquorice, you never know what assorted liquorice you’re going to get.”

I give everything to my job. My mother often says, “you work too hard, you need to settle down and find a wife!”

Please. I’m 32 and building my empire. The only wifey I need is a wi-fi connection! (I made that up myself!) #BuildYourEmpire #Entrepreneur

I head out to lunch. I walk past one of my 7600 LinkedIn connections, though I prefer the term “family”.

Unfortunately, he doesn’t hear me say hello. That’s okay, because last night he liked my comment on his latest post, where he announced he was quitting a job due to a marriage breakdown. I didn’t know what to say, but LinkedIn suggested I reply with “Nice one!”

Phew. One day I will get to talk to him in person.

Walking back to the office, the craziest thing happens!

A homeless woman crashes into me and drops a bread roll. Who would’ve thought! She obviously wasn’t watching where she was going.

No worry though, I pick it up and give it back to her. She tells me I’m a beautiful soul. It’s so important to be grateful of the help you receive! #wisewordsoldlady

Oh, and onlookers gave me kind smiles and several warm words. They saw that I sacrificed my time and energy for this Random Act of Kindness!

Back in the office now, and after another Gangnam Style dance (which my staff found VERY funny again), I prepare to conduct a job interview.

I’ve been reading countless stories on LinkedIn lately of employers who show their leadership by being forgiving to candidates who aren’t ready for the interview.

This happened to me last week, when an applicant came in clearly underdressed for the interview. I told him his outfit was bad, to which he replied saying he couldn’t afford a suit. My heart broke at the thought, so I gave him another week to buy a suit.

He didn’t show up today, but the message remains. Someone’s financial situation should not affect their job prospects!

Sometimes I wonder what I would do without LinkedIn. Where else could I connect with the world’s most upstanding and model citizens. Where else could I be inspired by their perfect lives and immaculate daily rituals?

Not Twitter, that’s for sure!

*Confused? This article is a satire recreation of the thousands of LinkedIn posts that contribute to the unique discourse on the platform, some of which are below.*

Image by Lucas Binns